Thought Crimes And Pastry Guns
By David M. Huntwork
Recently, a school in the once great state of Maryland offered counseling to students “troubled” by a classmate eating pastry into the shape of a gun. You might think his offense was kind of silly, but the school considered the seven year old students triggering action a “Level 3” violation of the following code:
Any gun of any kind, loaded or unloaded, operable or inoperable, including any object other than a firearm which is a look-a-like of a gun. This shall include, but is not limited to, pellet gun, paintball gun, stun gun, taser, BB gun, flare gun, nail gun, and air soft gun.
His two day suspension was followed up with a letter to every parent in the school:
Dear Parents and Guardians:
I am writing to let you know about an incident that occurred this morning in one of our classrooms and encourage you to discuss this matter with your child in a manner you deem most appropriate.
During breakfast this morning, one of our students used food to make inappropriate gestures that disrupted the class. While no physical threats were made and no one [was] harmed, the student had to be removed from the classroom.
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As you are aware, the Code of Student Conduct and appropriate consequences related to violations of the code are clearly spelled out in the Student Handbook, which was sent home during the first week of school and can be found on our website, www.aacps.org.
If your children express that they are troubled by today’s incident, please talk with them and help them share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week. In general, please remind them of the importance of making good choices.
Yes, let us discuss the mental devastation of dastardly pastry weaponry with our children, shall we? Thankfully, the strawberry pop tart in question was destroyed before it could cause any further harm to the most vulnerable among us.
Now the child, to his credit, did take full blame for this ugly incident. He told FOX45, “All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain but, it didn’t look like a mountain really and it turned out to be a gun kinda.” When his teacher saw the strawberry tart he knew he was in trouble, “She was pretty mad…and I think I was in big trouble.”