Category Archives: Humor

CHT Was Hacked!

Sorry for the recent downtime. Apparently we were hacked. Most likely we were hacked because we have the Powers That Be shaking in their boots due to the quality of our anti-Establishment arguments. I guess it’s possible that there is a more mundane explanation, but I’m pretty sure we were the victim of a well orchestrated hack. I’m guessing a combination of the Bilderberg Group and Skull and Bones.

Some Advice to Libertarians

This post is inspired by New Year’s Eve.

If libertarians really want to broaden their appeal to redneck types, they should focus their legalization battles on fireworks. A lot of self respecting rednecks aren’t going to want to be associated with legalization of pot and prostitution even if they might secretly want to indulge on occasion*, but every red-blooded American wants the legal right to set off fireworks free from the fear of snitching neighbors and pesky police. :-)

* Present company excepted, of course.

Cthulu Reveals Himself to the World!

The stars having aligned, today Cthulu awakened from his slumber within R’lyeh. Brazenly displaying his image on the US National Reconnaissance Office’s new logo, Cthulu now dominates the Earth (political borders rendered meaningless) from his base in the former nation of the USA.

squid

“Nothing is beyond Cthulu’s reach”

Throughout the world crowds have gathered in ecstatic madness, chanting “orgy-porgy” and hailing the Dreaded One as “Cthulu-Messiah“. Cthulu was especially pleased by the debauchery of Pitcairn Island, in which nearly every adult male partook.

The Libertarian Avenger, whose weak human mind instantly succumbed to the Great Old One, tweeted in exultation: “Cthulu is a secular saint for the whole world”. And former President Bush declared that every person of faith, “whether they be Muslim, Christian, or any other religion, prays to the same Cthulu”.

Russia Today has been allowed to report on this momentous occasion of the enslavement, and eventual extinction, of the insignificant species known as humanity. Realising that without humanity, war will cease to exist: The Nobel Foundation awarded Cthulu with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Update: Lindsey Graham has defended Cthulu’s right to label, and consume, any American citizen (or other human) as a “lawful morsel“.

A Road House Remake?! Attention Hollywood: LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE!!!!!

Alright now, this does it! First Hollywood had the audacity to remake The Karate Kid, the closest to perfect movie this world has ever known. Then they remade Footloose, the movie that introduced us all to Kevin Bacon who inspired a generation of tousled hair and unstructured blazers and whithout whom we would never have had the six degrees game. Then they remade Red Dawn with the North Koreans as the villians. I don’t even have to explain why that was such a travesty.  Now comes word that they are remaking Road House. What is Hollywood thinking? Have they no shame? LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE! And especially, LEAVE THE SWAYZE FILMOGRAPHY ALONE. As if Red Dawn wasn’t bad enough.  If there is any justice in this world, the actor who plays the Swazye role will be struck deaf and dumb on day one of filming. What’s next? Are they going to remake Donnie Darko? I’m seriously contemplating getting out the pitchfork.

Life in These United Police States of America: My Humorous NSA Anecdote

Anyone remember the section of Readers’ Digest called “Life in These United State?” It was a collection of humorous real life anecdotes that were sent in by their readers. Well here is a hopefully amusing anecdote, but it also illustrates how fear of NSA snooping changes behavior. We could call this “Life in These United Police States of America.”

Recently, some of my kids came home from their grandparents after spending a week, and not so calmly announced that their rooms were infested with fleas, a hazzard of having carpet and too many pets. So I got ready to text my wife the following text (or very similar), because I didn’t want her to wonder why the kids were sleeping on the couch when she got home: “The kids say their rooms are infested with fleas. I’m going to buy a couple of bombs (meaning insect foggers) and set them off in their rooms.” Right as I was about to hit send, it dawned on me that maybe that wasn’t the wisest thing to say in a text. “Bombs” … “set off” … “rooms” all in one text would surely get that text flagged. In fact, this post may get flagged. Hello NSA :-). So I changed the text to (or very similar) ”The kids say their rooms are infested with fleas. I’m going to get a couple of foggers.” I replaced “bombs” with “foggers” and left off “set off.” Hopefully that text flew under the NSA radar, but it’s absurd I have to think about such things. Such is life in the modern police state of America.

President of the Vegetarian Institute Says There is a Vegetarian Case for Forced Meat Eating Bill

Obvi Usfraud, the new President of the Vegetarian Institute, who was recently installed following a coup by wealthy donors from the meat packing industry, says that there is a vegetarian case for the recently defeated Forced Meat Eating Bill. In an op-ed piece for no less than the New York Times, he writes:

Last week, senators blocked a compromise measure that would have compelled vegetarians to eat meat, despite polls that showed that 90 percent of the public supported the idea.

I’m a vegetarian who played a role in reducing forced meat eating in the nation’s capital. In 2008, in a landmark case I helped initiate, Heller v. District of Columbia, the Supreme Court declared for the first time that the Constitution protects an individual right to be vegetarian.

But the stonewalling of the forced meat eating bill was a mistake, both politically and substantively. Following a series of tragic cases of protein deficiency, public opinion is overwhelmingly in favor of reasonable legislation forcing vegetarians to eat some meat. There was also plenty in the proposal that vegetarians like me could embrace.

The compromise — carefully negotiated by two moderate vegetarian supporters, Senators Joe Manchin III, Democrat of West Virginia, and Patrick J. Toomey, Republican of Pennsylvania — should be reintroduced in the Senate. I am convinced that, with some modifications, it could still be passed, because it would add reasonable protections for both vegetarians and those concerned about protein deficiency.

Sounds reasonable to me.

This day in history

In 1776, the Society for the Protection of Loyal Colonists (SPLC) issued a report warning of the rise of the so-called “Patriot Movement” in the American colonies. As reported in the Boston General Advertiser, SPLC spokesman Marcus Potok announced his organization had been monitoring the takeover of royal legislatures, militias, and town councils by anti-government extremists.

“Dangerous men such as John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and Benjamin Franklin have stoked the fires of sedition and radicalism among the King’s subjects,” Potok wrote in his report. “As a result, illegal militias have seen explosive growth, fueled by a furious reaction to much-needed revenue laws duly enacted under the authority of the King.”

Potok promised that his organization, in close coordination with King George III’s government, would work to end extremist activity in the colonies. “Our aim is sometimes described as just monitoring these hate groups. I want to say that our aim is to destroy these groups.” Then he added, “After all, we’re talking about the mightiest empire in the world, one that a vast majority of its subjects will remain loyal to, despite the heated rhetoric of a few rabble-rousers.”

Loyalists were assured the “Patriot Movement,” while boisterous and potentially violent, had little chance of success.

Said Potok, “As long as the enlightened merchants of New York and Boston continue to donate to our organization, the SPLC will expose these self-styled ‘Patriots’ for what they are, dangerous, hateful radicals.”

Scary Jamie?

Everyone’s up in arms about Jamie Foxx. Seems he went on Saturday Night Live to promote his latest movie, Django Unchained, and said, “I kill all the white people in the movie. How great is that?”

Ohhh – scary! But has anybody seen Foxx’s character? Take a look at the clown costume he wears:

I busted a gut laughing when I first saw that picture. Yes, he’s trying sooooo hard to look baaad. But THIS is supposed to be a scary black cowboy? Jamie, you’re no Clint Eastwood. Django must be Swahili for, “Wears clothes his grandmother threw out.”

The rules for cowboy apparel are few and simple, all of which Foxx’s character tragically ignored:

1 – Cowboys do not wear jackets from the 1956 JC Penny catalog.

2 – Cowboys do not wear ANYTHING with buttons shaped like that.

3 – Cowboys DO NOT wrap sweaters around their necks. In fact, cowboys do not even own sweaters.

4 – Cowboys only wear gun holsters battered from countless gunfights and cattle drives. No cowboy would be caught dead sporting a holster fresh from the western wear supply store.

5 – Do. Not. Lose. Your. Right. Glove.

But the last rule of cowboy fashion says it all:

6 – A real cowboy doesn’t need to be told the rules of how to look like a cowboy.

Breast Cancer “Overexposure”

At the risk of sounding insensitive or as if I don’t appreciate female anatomy, I can’t be the only one who thinks that this whole breast cancer thing is getting a little out of hand. You know, breasts aren’t the only organ system that gets cancer.

This rant is occasioned by watching all the pink NFL teams, announcers, etc. are wearing today. This has prompted a few questions.

If the NFL was raising money for prostate cancer, what color would they be wearing?

Since I presume pink was chosen because breast cancer primarily effects  women, what color do uterine, cervical and ovarian cancer get?

If the NFL is going to wear pink for breast cancer awareness, shouldn’t they do it before Labor Day so they don’t look like a bunch of out of season clowns?

Addendum: It seems I’m not the only one who thinks the breast cancer campaign is overexposed, Andy Nowicki at AltRight does too..

Racism strikes at Thomas Jefferson High!

There’s a discrepancy of outcomes at a prestigious public school – clearly this is a case of White privilege! The NAACP and the “Coalition of Silence” spring into action!

Will the Department of Education’s latest lawsuit against a state school uncover this latest conspiracy against minority children? Click here for the answer!

Barney Frank marries longtime partner in Massachusetts

Congressman Barney Frank, 72, has “married” his partner Jim Ready, 42. That’s a 30-year age difference!

Frank is one of the more charming members of Congress. In the mid-80s, a male prostitute he hired for sex moved in and ran a homosexual dating service from the apartment, supposedly without Frank’s knowledge. Even in DC, that was too much, and the House voted 408–18 to reprimand Frank.

So this was a traditional wedding: Something old, something new, something censured, something lewd.

Limerick contest

Every year between Groundhog Day and St. Patrick’s Day, the Charlotte Observer sponsors a limerick contest. Since I’ve had so much fun blogging on the Occupy Charlotte clowns, I submitted a limerick on the unpleasant surprise Charlotte police discovered in a storm drain used by the protesters.

From the Charlotte Observer:

We close with Mike Tuggle of Charlotte, who read the story about police cracking down on local protesters and later that the city learned how the protesters had relieved themselves.

The Occupy Charlotte sensation
Concluded in total frustration.
Their efforts, in vain,
Just went down the drain
By process of elimination.

Occupy Camp Storm Drain Investigation Continues

Occupy Charlotte’s proud legacy lingers on:

City Water Quality Manager Daryl Hammock says there was clearly human sewage in that storm drain when the Occupiers cleared out.

“It looks like that it was multiple uses over some time but I wouldn’t describe it as a large amount,” says Hammock.

The city took photos and evidence from the drain and now Hammock is trying to figure out “whodunit.” The culprit could get a notice of violation and a fine. If it was the Occupy Charlotte campers, they’re leaderless and pretty amorphous.

That’s a perfect description of the Occupy movement: “leaderless and pretty amorphous.” Just like the mysterious, stinking pile the Charlotte water department is dealing with now.

One thing we do know: from little boys playing with matches, to dirty hippies using a storm drain as their outhouse, we will never forget what the Occupiers accomplished. Never.

Herman Cain

With apologies to Carly Simon

You stunned the Republican party like you were mimicking Ol’ Trent Lott
Your hat strategically tossed into the ring
You said you’d give it your best shot
You had one eye on hawking your new book as you stirred the presidential pot
Republicans dreamed you’d be their Obama,
You’d be their Obama, and …

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?

You had me several debates ago when I could still believe
Well you said your flat tax would knock ‘em dead
But Santorum said your plan’s naïve
And you said some things that made me think you’re not really what you say
I had some dreams, they were mud on my pizza,
Mud on my pizza, and…

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Well I hear you went up to Las Vegas and got ridiculed for 9-9-9
Then you rode your campaign bus to New Hampshire
And prematurely flashed a victory sign
Well you’re where you should be in the polls
And if you’re not you’re in
Some restaurant convention with a female employee
Female employee, and …

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Herman Cain’s Hip-Hop Presidency

CNN Politics reports that Herman “Big Daddy” Cain, if elected president, would like to give “Hail to the Chief” (the piece that is played when the president arrives at an event) a “fresher sound.” He doesn’t want it to be “hip hop” per se, but it probably would include some funky “gospel beats.”

Why not just use “Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta” by the Geto Boys?  It already captures the spirt and has a funky beat:

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
I mean one that you don’t really know
Ridin’ around town in a drop-top benz
Hittin’ switches in my black six-fo’
Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors
Some got killed in the past
But this gangtsa here is a smart one
Started living for the Lord and I’ll last

And now, a word from the president!
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Gettin voted into the White House
Everything lookin good to the people of the world
But the mafia family is my boss
So every now and then I owe a favor gettin’ down
Like lettin’ a big drug shipment through
And send ‘em to the poor community
So we can bust you know who
So voters of the world keep supportin’ me
And I promise to take you very far
Other leaders better not upset me
Or I’ll send a million troops to die at war
To all you Republicans, that helped me win
I sincerely like to thank you
’cause now I got the world swingin’ from my nuts
And damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Maybe Herman Cain is just as bad as Rick Perry. Regardless, it’s only testament to the fact that we are living in Idiocracy. Check out these funky beats:

HT: Woden

No White After Labor Day?

Back before I got fat … er … I mean before my wife shrunk all my clothes when I actually had a half decent wardrobe I could fit into, I used to concern myself to some degree with the rules of fashion. Gentlemen should not be deliberately foppish, but the proper gentleman should be concerned about his appearance and … well properness. I think also that it is an appropriate conservative concern to be mindful of tradition and custom with regard to attire.

That said, I have always considered the whole Labor Day as marking the end of the summer season an insidious Yankee plot* deliberately designed to make us Southerners chafe. (And I’m not the only one who has notice this outrage.) While this arbitrary line of demarcation may work in Boston, it doesn’t work in the Deep South. Anyone who has every spent any time in Georgia in September knows it is still quite hot. It is ludacris to start donning tweeds, felt hats and earth tones when it’s still 85 degrees outside.

Below a certain point (say south of Orlando) I think this reality has been conceded to. It is possible to wear tropical attire all year in South Florida without invoking a disapproving glance from the fashion informed. But us folks in the non- peninsular Deep to Middle South find ourselves in a fashion no-man’s-land this time every year.

So what to do? In reality, reality ends up trumping the rules. While I wouldn’t be so bold as to sport seersucker and white bucks post Labor Day, I do keep the dirty bucks, the straw hat, the stone colored pants, etc. in the rotation until about Oct. Maybe mid October if it remains hot enough, and I do so with only slight trepidation. The trepidation increases as the season wanes.

I have come to the conclusion that this Yankee inspired Labor Day tyranny must end (as if Lincoln wasn’t enough), and I am going to make it a personal crusade to see that it does. We either need to make the transition point more fluid and dictated by weather, or we need a fixed date that is more realistic. Anyone have any ideas for a more appropriate date? I willing to listen. Who’s with me?

*As much fun as it is to use any possible occasion to bash Yankees, the Easter as transition to Spring rule doesn’t really work up North either, and I’m sure some bitter Northerner has imagined that a cruel Southern act of revenge as well. How often can you wear linen in Boston in April? So a more fluid seasonal transition would benefit our Northern brethren as well. Again I say who’s with me? This vitally important crusade isn’t going to suceed without broad buy in.

The Black-White Achievement Gap “closed” — almost!


Now here’s an inspiring story — a Jamaican immigrant becomes a teacher, then rises over the years into the government educational system hierarchy, where she lowers the Black-White achievement gap. Educrats and politicians all over the nation swoon:

In addition to serving as Atlanta Public Schools superintendent, Dr. Beverly Hall is chair of the Advisory Board of the Harvard Urban Superintendents Program, where she serves as a mentor superintendent to participants in the doctoral program. She also is a member of the Teaching Commission, which develops specific policy recommendations to deal with the teaching crisis in America.

Dr. Hall is the recipient of many local and national honors, including the American Association of School Administrators’ 2006 Effie H. Jones Humanitarian Award, the Martin Luther King Jr. “Ground Crew” Award, the Big Brothers Big Sisters Legacy Award and the Atlanta Urban Debate League’s award named in her honor, the Beverly L. Hall Urban Debate Administrator of the Year Award.

Here’s a video of Dr. Hall wowing Congress’ Education and Labor committee. Could the position of Education Secretary be far behind, where, from such a lofty fulcrum, she could move the entire education system?

But rumors circulated that her miraculous results were phony. Dr. Hall ordered an internal investigation that concluded there were no problems [?!]. However, a state investigation has revealed a wide-spread, coordinated effort to pump up scores:

Georgia investigators have found evidence of cheating at close to 80 percent of the Atlanta schools where they examined the 2009 administration of state tests.

The 48,000-student Atlanta district has been under a cloud for the past two years, ever since an Atlanta Journal-Constitution analysis found improbably high results on the state’s Criterion-Referenced Competency Tests, or CRCT.

So now we’re looking at a criminal case against both Dr. Hall and her assistant Kathy Augustine.

Have we learned anything? When the next miracle worker proclaims he’s found the secret to making all children above average, will we believe him?

Of course we will. There’s something bigger at stake here than just a vast conspiracy to commit educational fraud. The real issue is the government’s commitment to equality, to the notion that all good things come from government itself, and that its citizens, especially schoolchildren, are its passive raw materials.

The issue here is not whether Hall broke a few rules. She did. But if Dr. Hall is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? Isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society, and its pursuit of diversity? Well, you can do whatever you want, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to condemnations against the United States of America!

Take it away, Otter: