Category Archives: Humor

Mark Driscoll Has Done Crossed a Line!

“And the pastel cashmere wearing sensible haircut clean shaven loafer wearing minivan driving suburban sympathizers contend “But they really really love each other.”” ~ Pastor Mark Driscoll

Ok, that does it! Driscoll has done gone and crossed a line! How dare he insinuate that there is something wrong with loafers?! Yeah, pastel cashmere is too much, but loafers, khakis and an oxford cloth button down are about as much of a man uniform as you are going to find. Personally, I’m a wingtip guy, but what kind of un-American freak disparages an American icon like loafers?! Dissing loafers is like dissing apple pie and baseball. What is this guy? Some sort of communist? What’s next? Will he be recommending Extra-Crispy? May the spirit of G. H. Bass haunt him ’till his dying day!?

Addendum: I suppose I should clarify for those who don’t get the context, there is a serious issue here that I’m playing off of that we might call the Rachel Held Evans vs. Mark Driscoll throwdown. I’ll comment on that separately.

DAD-GUMMIT HOLLYWOOD! STOP MESSING WITH THE CLASSICS!

They’re remaking Kickboxer. What is wrong with some people? What kind of a heartless, soulless person would do such a thing? Is there no movie just so right that they won’t taint it’s legacy with a needless remake just so they can make a quick buck? This is serious business. I’m throwing down the gaunlet. I’m drawing a line in the sand. If these clowns ever remake Bloodsport, I’m grabbing my pitchfork!

Cinco de Mayo

Why do we celebrate Cinco de Mayo? What’s to celebrate? The good people of France lent Mexico a perfectly good Emperor, and they overthrew him. Bunch of ingrates.

If I had to chose between a Hapsburg monarch on loan from Europe, and the clown our clueless electorate placed in office, it wouldn’t even be a close call.

Sorry this is one day delinquent, but my home computer is down. (Kid spilled water on it. Ugh!)

CHT Was Hacked!

Sorry for the recent downtime. Apparently we were hacked. Most likely we were hacked because we have the Powers That Be shaking in their boots due to the quality of our anti-Establishment arguments. I guess it’s possible that there is a more mundane explanation, but I’m pretty sure we were the victim of a well orchestrated hack. I’m guessing a combination of the Bilderberg Group and Skull and Bones.

Some Advice to Libertarians

This post is inspired by New Year’s Eve.

If libertarians really want to broaden their appeal to redneck types, they should focus their legalization battles on fireworks. A lot of self respecting rednecks aren’t going to want to be associated with legalization of pot and prostitution even if they might secretly want to indulge on occasion*, but every red-blooded American wants the legal right to set off fireworks free from the fear of snitching neighbors and pesky police. :-)

* Present company excepted, of course.

Cthulu Reveals Himself to the World!

The stars having aligned, today Cthulu awakened from his slumber within R’lyeh. Brazenly displaying his image on the US National Reconnaissance Office’s new logo, Cthulu now dominates the Earth (political borders rendered meaningless) from his base in the former nation of the USA.

squid

“Nothing is beyond Cthulu’s reach”

Throughout the world crowds have gathered in ecstatic madness, chanting “orgy-porgy” and hailing the Dreaded One as “Cthulu-Messiah“. Cthulu was especially pleased by the debauchery of Pitcairn Island, in which nearly every adult male partook.

The Libertarian Avenger, whose weak human mind instantly succumbed to the Great Old One, tweeted in exultation: “Cthulu is a secular saint for the whole world”. And former President Bush declared that every person of faith, “whether they be Muslim, Christian, or any other religion, prays to the same Cthulu”.

Russia Today has been allowed to report on this momentous occasion of the enslavement, and eventual extinction, of the insignificant species known as humanity. Realising that without humanity, war will cease to exist: The Nobel Foundation awarded Cthulu with a Nobel Peace Prize.

Update: Lindsey Graham has defended Cthulu’s right to label, and consume, any American citizen (or other human) as a “lawful morsel“.

A Road House Remake?! Attention Hollywood: LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE!!!!!

Alright now, this does it! First Hollywood had the audacity to remake The Karate Kid, the closest to perfect movie this world has ever known. Then they remade Footloose, the movie that introduced us all to Kevin Bacon who inspired a generation of tousled hair and unstructured blazers and whithout whom we would never have had the six degrees game. Then they remade Red Dawn with the North Koreans as the villians. I don’t even have to explain why that was such a travesty.  Now comes word that they are remaking Road House. What is Hollywood thinking? Have they no shame? LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE! And especially, LEAVE THE SWAYZE FILMOGRAPHY ALONE. As if Red Dawn wasn’t bad enough.  If there is any justice in this world, the actor who plays the Swazye role will be struck deaf and dumb on day one of filming. What’s next? Are they going to remake Donnie Darko? I’m seriously contemplating getting out the pitchfork.

Life in These United Police States of America: My Humorous NSA Anecdote

Anyone remember the section of Readers’ Digest called “Life in These United State?” It was a collection of humorous real life anecdotes that were sent in by their readers. Well here is a hopefully amusing anecdote, but it also illustrates how fear of NSA snooping changes behavior. We could call this “Life in These United Police States of America.”

Recently, some of my kids came home from their grandparents after spending a week, and not so calmly announced that their rooms were infested with fleas, a hazzard of having carpet and too many pets. So I got ready to text my wife the following text (or very similar), because I didn’t want her to wonder why the kids were sleeping on the couch when she got home: “The kids say their rooms are infested with fleas. I’m going to buy a couple of bombs (meaning insect foggers) and set them off in their rooms.” Right as I was about to hit send, it dawned on me that maybe that wasn’t the wisest thing to say in a text. “Bombs” … “set off” … “rooms” all in one text would surely get that text flagged. In fact, this post may get flagged. Hello NSA :-). So I changed the text to (or very similar) “The kids say their rooms are infested with fleas. I’m going to get a couple of foggers.” I replaced “bombs” with “foggers” and left off “set off.” Hopefully that text flew under the NSA radar, but it’s absurd I have to think about such things. Such is life in the modern police state of America.

President of the Vegetarian Institute Says There is a Vegetarian Case for Forced Meat Eating Bill

Obvi Usfraud, the new President of the Vegetarian Institute, who was recently installed following a coup by wealthy donors from the meat packing industry, says that there is a vegetarian case for the recently defeated Forced Meat Eating Bill. In an op-ed piece for no less than the New York Times, he writes:

Last week, senators blocked a compromise measure that would have compelled vegetarians to eat meat, despite polls that showed that 90 percent of the public supported the idea.

I’m a vegetarian who played a role in reducing forced meat eating in the nation’s capital. In 2008, in a landmark case I helped initiate, Heller v. District of Columbia, the Supreme Court declared for the first time that the Constitution protects an individual right to be vegetarian.

But the stonewalling of the forced meat eating bill was a mistake, both politically and substantively. Following a series of tragic cases of protein deficiency, public opinion is overwhelmingly in favor of reasonable legislation forcing vegetarians to eat some meat. There was also plenty in the proposal that vegetarians like me could embrace.

The compromise — carefully negotiated by two moderate vegetarian supporters, Senators Joe Manchin III, Democrat of West Virginia, and Patrick J. Toomey, Republican of Pennsylvania — should be reintroduced in the Senate. I am convinced that, with some modifications, it could still be passed, because it would add reasonable protections for both vegetarians and those concerned about protein deficiency.

Sounds reasonable to me.

This day in history

In 1776, the Society for the Protection of Loyal Colonists (SPLC) issued a report warning of the rise of the so-called “Patriot Movement” in the American colonies. As reported in the Boston General Advertiser, SPLC spokesman Marcus Potok announced his organization had been monitoring the takeover of royal legislatures, militias, and town councils by anti-government extremists.

“Dangerous men such as John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and Benjamin Franklin have stoked the fires of sedition and radicalism among the King’s subjects,” Potok wrote in his report. “As a result, illegal militias have seen explosive growth, fueled by a furious reaction to much-needed revenue laws duly enacted under the authority of the King.”

Potok promised that his organization, in close coordination with King George III’s government, would work to end extremist activity in the colonies. “Our aim is sometimes described as just monitoring these hate groups. I want to say that our aim is to destroy these groups.” Then he added, “After all, we’re talking about the mightiest empire in the world, one that a vast majority of its subjects will remain loyal to, despite the heated rhetoric of a few rabble-rousers.”

Loyalists were assured the “Patriot Movement,” while boisterous and potentially violent, had little chance of success.

Said Potok, “As long as the enlightened merchants of New York and Boston continue to donate to our organization, the SPLC will expose these self-styled ‘Patriots’ for what they are, dangerous, hateful radicals.”

Scary Jamie?

Everyone’s up in arms about Jamie Foxx. Seems he went on Saturday Night Live to promote his latest movie, Django Unchained, and said, “I kill all the white people in the movie. How great is that?”

Ohhh – scary! But has anybody seen Foxx’s character? Take a look at the clown costume he wears:

I busted a gut laughing when I first saw that picture. Yes, he’s trying sooooo hard to look baaad. But THIS is supposed to be a scary black cowboy? Jamie, you’re no Clint Eastwood. Django must be Swahili for, “Wears clothes his grandmother threw out.”

The rules for cowboy apparel are few and simple, all of which Foxx’s character tragically ignored:

1 – Cowboys do not wear jackets from the 1956 JC Penny catalog.

2 – Cowboys do not wear ANYTHING with buttons shaped like that.

3 – Cowboys DO NOT wrap sweaters around their necks. In fact, cowboys do not even own sweaters.

4 – Cowboys only wear gun holsters battered from countless gunfights and cattle drives. No cowboy would be caught dead sporting a holster fresh from the western wear supply store.

5 – Do. Not. Lose. Your. Right. Glove.

But the last rule of cowboy fashion says it all:

6 – A real cowboy doesn’t need to be told the rules of how to look like a cowboy.

Breast Cancer “Overexposure”

At the risk of sounding insensitive or as if I don’t appreciate female anatomy, I can’t be the only one who thinks that this whole breast cancer thing is getting a little out of hand. You know, breasts aren’t the only organ system that gets cancer.

This rant is occasioned by watching all the pink NFL teams, announcers, etc. are wearing today. This has prompted a few questions.

If the NFL was raising money for prostate cancer, what color would they be wearing?

Since I presume pink was chosen because breast cancer primarily effects  women, what color do uterine, cervical and ovarian cancer get?

If the NFL is going to wear pink for breast cancer awareness, shouldn’t they do it before Labor Day so they don’t look like a bunch of out of season clowns?

Addendum: It seems I’m not the only one who thinks the breast cancer campaign is overexposed, Andy Nowicki at AltRight does too..

Racism strikes at Thomas Jefferson High!

There’s a discrepancy of outcomes at a prestigious public school – clearly this is a case of White privilege! The NAACP and the “Coalition of Silence” spring into action!

Will the Department of Education’s latest lawsuit against a state school uncover this latest conspiracy against minority children? Click here for the answer!

Barney Frank marries longtime partner in Massachusetts

Congressman Barney Frank, 72, has “married” his partner Jim Ready, 42. That’s a 30-year age difference!

Frank is one of the more charming members of Congress. In the mid-80s, a male prostitute he hired for sex moved in and ran a homosexual dating service from the apartment, supposedly without Frank’s knowledge. Even in DC, that was too much, and the House voted 408–18 to reprimand Frank.

So this was a traditional wedding: Something old, something new, something censured, something lewd.

Limerick contest

Every year between Groundhog Day and St. Patrick’s Day, the Charlotte Observer sponsors a limerick contest. Since I’ve had so much fun blogging on the Occupy Charlotte clowns, I submitted a limerick on the unpleasant surprise Charlotte police discovered in a storm drain used by the protesters.

From the Charlotte Observer:

We close with Mike Tuggle of Charlotte, who read the story about police cracking down on local protesters and later that the city learned how the protesters had relieved themselves.

The Occupy Charlotte sensation
Concluded in total frustration.
Their efforts, in vain,
Just went down the drain
By process of elimination.

Occupy Camp Storm Drain Investigation Continues

Occupy Charlotte’s proud legacy lingers on:

City Water Quality Manager Daryl Hammock says there was clearly human sewage in that storm drain when the Occupiers cleared out.

“It looks like that it was multiple uses over some time but I wouldn’t describe it as a large amount,” says Hammock.

The city took photos and evidence from the drain and now Hammock is trying to figure out “whodunit.” The culprit could get a notice of violation and a fine. If it was the Occupy Charlotte campers, they’re leaderless and pretty amorphous.

That’s a perfect description of the Occupy movement: “leaderless and pretty amorphous.” Just like the mysterious, stinking pile the Charlotte water department is dealing with now.

One thing we do know: from little boys playing with matches, to dirty hippies using a storm drain as their outhouse, we will never forget what the Occupiers accomplished. Never.

Herman Cain

With apologies to Carly Simon

You stunned the Republican party like you were mimicking Ol’ Trent Lott
Your hat strategically tossed into the ring
You said you’d give it your best shot
You had one eye on hawking your new book as you stirred the presidential pot
Republicans dreamed you’d be their Obama,
You’d be their Obama, and …

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?

You had me several debates ago when I could still believe
Well you said your flat tax would knock ‘em dead
But Santorum said your plan’s naïve
And you said some things that made me think you’re not really what you say
I had some dreams, they were mud on my pizza,
Mud on my pizza, and…

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Well I hear you went up to Las Vegas and got ridiculed for 9-9-9
Then you rode your campaign bus to New Hampshire
And prematurely flashed a victory sign
Well you’re where you should be in the polls
And if you’re not you’re in
Some restaurant convention with a female employee
Female employee, and …

Herman Cain, they’ll probably run a ticket without you,
Herman Cain, I’ll bet they’ll run a ticket without you,
Don’t you? Don’t you?