Posted under Fiction & Terrorism
J.D. Salyer
INN Correspondent
Washington, D.C.
March 27, 2007
The Bush Administration is redoubling efforts to halt proliferation of Weapons of Mass Dialectic, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said in a press conference Monday.
Public enemy #1 in the Administration’s Global War on Philosophy (GWOP): The infamous regime of Ancient Greek Thinkers and its ruthlessly-logical kingpin, Socrates.
“For centuries, Socrates has been the mastermind behind a vast network of pupils and dialogues that span history like the insidious web of a contemplative spider,” declared McClellan in a prepared statment.
“This struggle affects all of us. It is about the freedom of anyone, anywhere in the world, to be able to spout inane, incoherent opinions without fear of correction.”
The statement was issued in response to the Socratic regime’s renewed threats last week to explore the meaning of “Justice” – threats which, if carried out, would almost certainly provoke a US-led invasion.
But McClellan declined comment regarding deployments of US forces to forward-staging areas in Troy, Carthage, and the mythical continent of Atlantis.
“All options are on the table, that’s all I can say,” McClellan told reporters.
Nor would he comment on ominous rumors that bombers patrolling high above the bygone Aegean have been armed with the Hemlock-5, latest in the Pentagon’s new breed of “Smart-But-Not-Disturbingly-Smart” weapons.
Defense Department officials, however, are quick to point out that for now “Operation: Ignorant Bliss” remains purely defensive in nature.
“Our current posture is set not to bring ignorance to Ancient Greece, but rather to safeguard it here in the United States,” said an anonymous Pentagon source, who then admitted: “That could change, of course.”
McClellan reiterated that the administration’s quarrel is not with the Ancient Greek people, but rather with the philosopher who terrorizes them with his incredibly irritating, endless inquiries.
“Frankly, the best-case scenario for us would be if the Ancient Greeks themselves threw off the tyrannical yoke of reason … we’d be delighted if they finally told Socrates where to shove his wise-ass questions.”
McClellan was evasive as to whether US covert operatives were behind subversive propaganda leaflets found in Ancient Athens, bearing titles like: “Just Shut Up, For The Gods’ Sake,” and “La La La La, I Can’t Hear You, I Can’t Hear You.”
But if cagey about methods, the White House spokesman was more than explicit about the long-term objective: “Well, naturally, it’s of great concern to us, to see a truth-hungry fanatic get his hands on an aggressive program to develop instruments of mass discernment. This forces us to embrace some cold hard assumptions, such as the necessity of regime change.”
Relations between America and the Socratic regime have been strained ever since President Bush’s controversial “Axis of Eggheads” speech in 2004, which attempted to link Socrates to 19-Century Russian Existentialists, as well as to Confucian Scholars of the Han Dynasty.
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Filmer on 28 Mar 2007 at 5:00 pm #
You have got to stop. I’m laughing out loud at work, and it is going to get me in trouble.
Bede on 28 Mar 2007 at 5:47 pm #
Ha ha ha. Very good!