By J.D. Salyer
INN High Society Correspondent
Wed May 23, 5:33 PM ET
The silverware was polished and the paparazzi were out in force as New York City mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani received the coveted â€œUp-And-Coming Overlordâ€ Award during the 12th annual meeting of the Totalitarian Demagoguesâ€™ Guild, held in the Hobbes Room of the Barad-dÃ»r Hyatt last evening.
â€œIn all my years of presenting this award, I cannot think of a single recipient more deserving,â€ said former Supreme Leader of the Soviet Union Josef Stalin. â€œIt warms the very cockles of my heart to know that the fine blustering art of bellowing down the voice of reason and restraint remains alive and well.â€
Stalin referred to Giulianiâ€™s performance in the South Carolina Republican debate last week, and in particular to Giulianiâ€™s deft handling of the extremist suggestion that the principle of so-called â€œcause-and-effectâ€ may be useful in understanding Americaâ€™s situation in the international arena.
The award — a lead statuette of a boot stamping on a human face, with the legend â€œForeverâ€ engraved at the base — was presented to Giuliani by that world-renowned scourge of limited-government fanaticism, Maximelien Robespierre.
â€œYou have earned this award, and the respect of your peers and mentors, by virtue of the great potential you have shown as a Leader,â€ Robespierre said from the podium, to a misty-eyed Giuliani.
â€œIf you cultivate this potential, maintain good relations with your wealthy sponsors, and dupe enough voters, then perhaps you will have the glory of going down in history as the one who finally stuck the stake in the heart of the tradition ofâ€”â€ his speech was interrupted at this point as an allergic reaction forced Robespierre to pause, bend over, and retch for a moment â€“ â€œEnglish common law.â€
Just as Giuliani rose to shake his mentorâ€™s hand and receive the award, Robespierre concluded his speech with a warning:
â€œIt is a hard road, though, and you will meet with opposition on it â€“ some in your country may find it a pity that you wish to treat the US Constitution much as a diarrhetic might treat a roll of Coronet 2-ply toilet paper.
Some may find it a pity that American soldiers are still being sent to the Middle East to die for the sake of the ideological wet-dreams of perpetual adolescents.
Some, too, may find it a pity to see the final metamorphosis of America into a ruthless, omnipotently-incompetent police-state.
Do not listen to these people. Instead, just remember these words of wisdom, and may they serve you in your career as they have served me in mine: ‘Pity is treason.’ â€
Giulianiâ€™s acceptance speech was brief as he thanked the senior members of the Guild. He drew laughter and applause as he noted with a humorously-fraternal wink at Mao Tse-Tung that “deep down inside” he wished that during the debate he “had had the option of â€˜cutting shortâ€™ the enemies of the State the old-fashioned, Chinese way â€“ thereâ€™s no school like the old school.â€
Following the presentation there was time for the press to speak with Giuliani and other notables present.
Some journalists endeavored to interview the fictional delegation to the convention, to little avail: Emperor Palpatine evaded questions as to whether he will accept an offer to become a commentator for the Fox News Network. Instead, he playfully replied to journalists’ queries with non sequitur banter about his intention to psychically-strangle the proprietor of ‘Formal Wear’ — a tuxedo rental shop in Georgetown — for failing to provide a cummerbund that looked â€œsufficiently evil.â€
Nor did Agent Smith of the Matrix answer questions about his possible appointment as Director of Homeland Security in the event of a Giuliani Administration.
Both did, however, offer quips to C-Span cameras in the event paleolibertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul might be watching. Remarked Palpatine:
â€œYour grassroots friends are walking into a trap. Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Now, witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational media-entertainment complex.â€
Smith concurred, also adding his carefully-enunciated endorsement of Giulianiâ€™s demand that Paul be excluded from further debate: â€œTell me, Mis-ter Paul … what good is a debate … if you’re unable to speak?
Constitutional government is a plague, a cancer of this continent â€¦ and Giulianiâ€¦ is the cure.â€
Yet even such a perfect evening had its inevitable discordant note, as Benito Mussolini was forced to cancel his attendance at the last moment due to a head-cold. This would have been the first time Giuliani and Mussolini have been seen in the same room at the same time.
That they have not done so as of this date has, on occasion, elicited speculation among celebrity-watchers.
THE IMPERIAL NEWS NETWORK:
“BRINGING THE GLORIOUS LIGHT OF PROGRESS
TO YOUR PATHETICALLY-BACKWARD LITTLE
CORNER OF THE HEGEMONY”