Now that the women’s World Cup is mercifully over, can we please get back to sports that REALLY MATTER … like football, baseball, basketball, NASCAR and Ultimate Fighting!
Call me unpatriotic if you like, but part of me was glad the US women lost just so I wouldn’t have to endure more insufferable soccer talk for the next week. Any more soccer talk and I think I would have plunged a pencil into my ear.
Chronicles Magazine writer Tom Piatak had it right when he called soccer the metric system in short pants. I’m not inclined to believe in conspiracy theories, but I can’t help but wonder if those nefarious forces (I’m talking to you ESPN) trying to foist soccer off on us are part of some New World Order plot (which undoubtedly includes at least a few neocons).
You see, America is supposed to be a grand global nation, but the sports we care about are all so parochial and, according to globalist logic, not befitting a universal nation. That just can’t be. A universal nation needs a universal sport, and The Powers That Be have decreed that soccer is that sport.
Well count me out! If feet and inches were good enough for my British Isle forebears, then they’re good enough for me. And if football was good enough for George Gipp, it ought to be good enough for every red-blooded American! Do you think that if George Gipp had decided to kick a ball around the park trying to get it into a net instead of trying to run over some guy with it anyone would know who he is today? I think not. And he probably would have gotten punched in the teeth by the other neighborhood boys for his troubles. And if Ronald Reagan had played a guy who kicked a ball into a net, do you think he would have ever become President? Heck no!
And while I’m on the subject of soccer, is there any “guy” more annoying than “soccer hat and soccer shirt guy?” Look, I don’t have anything against Europeans. I served in Europe for three years courtesy of Uncle Sam. The Europeans were generally nice people, and I even liked some European styles. But if you really feel the need to look Euro even though you live here in the good ol’ US of A, then buy yourself an Armani suit and some of those square toed shoe thingies, but please spare me the spectacle of your pretentious soccer hat. Who are you trying to kid? Do you really think that I think you actually keep up with the exploits of the Juventus Football (sic) Club?
So thank you Japan for ending my misery. Although, come to think of it, what is Japan doing playing soccer either? Shouldn’t Japanese kids be learning Sumo and Judo?
Well anyway, now that order has been restored to the universe maybe I can tune back into ESPN without hearing about Han Solo’s daughter trying to keep a ball out of the net. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to golf talk (the Masters excepted, of course).
That’s enough ranting for now. I need to get back to the race. But don’t get me started on open wheel racing…